Always follow your calling


There have been several times in my life where I believe I am actually pulled toward something.  I cannot help but think these things are my calling and I believe if you are deeply compelled to pursue something; you absolutely should.  These things are not random, these things are your calling.  The things that speak only to you, the things that make you who you are and who you want to be.  Those are the things that you absolutely should follow.  Those of you that know me, know that my journey the past few years has been a work in progress.  I’ve suffered several trials and tribulations that would kill most.


I have pressed on, persevered and made it a point to never stop in my pursuit to find my true happiness.  I live my life completely different from the way I ever have, I know what I want and I know what I need.  My calling is something I don’t take lightly, it pulls me and I feel compelled to investigate.  I’ve come so far on my journey of self exploration and I’ve worked too hard for all aspects of my life to not be happy or complete.  There are going to be huge changes in my personal life, it seems that I will be embarking on a new journey toward my goal of complete happiness.  One thing I know now more than ever, is that I will not stop in my pursuit to becoming my true authentic self.  It will not be easy, but nothing ever worth doing is.  There comes a point in time when you just realize what you are willing to actually put up with and what you are not.  I’ve done what’s best for everyone else but myself, for far too long.  There is no time like the present.  Because, at the end of the day I am the only one who can give my kids a happy Mother and that’s exactly what I’m going to do.  My time is now and I couldn’t be happier.

12 Essential Oils for Anxiety

I’ve been doing a lot of research lately on using essential oils, specifically for reducing anxiety.  Oils can be used in a number of ways.  You can add a few drops of oil to a warm bath.  You can add oil to lotion/moisturizer, then apply to your skin.  You can make a hot compress by soaking a towel/cloth in water, adding oil and applying it to the desired area.  You can also ingest it sometimes as well, just make sure you buy the specific oils that can be ingested.  I’ve compiled a list of my 12 favorite essential oils and their healing properties for relieving anxiety.


  1. Clary Sage– relaxing and soothing properties to assist with insomnia, it also helps with rejuvenation and calming of the skin.
  2.   Geranium– natural sedative, lifts the spirit and releases negative emotions.
  3.   Chamomile– helps your inner harmony, decreases irritability, over thinking, anxiety and worry.
  4. Ylang Ylang– helps with cheerfulness, courage, optimism and soothes fear.
  5. Rose– soothes anxiety, depression, grieving and shock.
  6. Lemon– purifying and uplifting properties that help to combat negative emotions, stress and boosts your immunity.
  7. Basil– very uplifting, work against depression, fatigue and anxiety.
  8. Vetiver– promotes self-awareness, calmness and stabilization, it also decreases the gitters and hypersensitivity.
  9.  Lavender– helps with inner peace, sleep, restlessness, irritability and a nervous stomach.
  10. Jasmin– known for its antispasmodic and uplifting properties.
  11.  Bergamot– uplifting properties, helps with pain, anxiety, depression and sadness.
  12. Frankincense– reduces feelings of fear, stress and anxiety.

It’s never too late

NeverNo matter how old you are, it is never too late to start over.  That’s the beauty of life, as long as we are alive our options are endless.  We have all the power in the World to change our lives at any time, ultimately we are in control of our own destiny.  Time is our friend and also our worst enemy.  At times it just creeps by and then you look up and years have passed.  Every moment you have in life is so very special and we only have it for such a short amount of time.  It’s so important to realize that it’s never too late to start over.  Most importantly it’s never too late to be happy.  In this cruel World we are not guaranteed tomorrow, but we are given every opportunity while we are alive to be the best version of ourselves that we can be.  If we do not take those opportunities we are only denying ourselves the chance to be truly happy.  To me, that is by far the best lesson I have found out.  It’s never too late to be happy, to be awesome, to be loving, to be grateful, to late to give back and it’s never too late to do ANYTHING we set our mind to.  We only have this one life, why not make it great?  It’s not easy, I don’t know if it ever will be and no matter how many times we fall, we can always get back up.  Tomorrow is a new chance to be great again.  Treat each day as if it was your last and I guarantee your life will never be the same.  Enjoy every single second and if you don’t; you are the only one that can make that happen.  Surround yourself with positive, grateful people who you truly enjoy sharing your time with.  Never believe that anything good can come from negativity, it’s like a poison that slowly eats at you, until you eventually just disintegrate.  Just remember it’s never too late to be who you want to be, to be great and to control your destiny.  Peace, love and posivibes!

Suffering in Silence

The more I learn about PTSD and OCD, I realize I’ve been suffering in silence for a long, long time.  I never really understood why I was always consumed with anxiety and it felt as if I could never truly be happy or content.  I’ll be honest, I pretty much knew I had OCD.  I’m very particular about absolutely everything I do and everything has to be done a certain way.  However, it has been that way as long as I remember.  I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t so particular.  My Doctor said, I probably picked up the obsessive traits because it was something I could control, in my completely uncontrolled environment.

The more I learned about PTSD the more I realized that, I absolutely had the fight or flight mentality.  Everything I had ever been through, each event more traumatic than the next; absolutely was like war.  During my extensive research and therapy, I stumbled upon this great read from an amazing site called “Heal my PTSD”; with Michelle Rosenthal.  It basically lists the following top 10 things you should know when trying to understand someone with PTSD.


We are NOT our true selves

We see danger, even in moments that it does not exist.

Our true selves retreat and our coping self emerges.

We have different values, priorities and we can seem unpredictable.

It’s called coping, not denial

We may not admit it, but we know something is wrong.

It takes a tremendous effort to live with PTSD.

Sometimes just getting up and continuing our daily routine is our biggest step toward recovery.

Your presence does matter

During our post traumatic state, it matters to have people who stand with Us.

Even though we isolate ourselves, don’t respond, lash out and we are not ourselves; we love that you are still there no matter what.

We cannot be logical

During survival mode the most primitive, reptilian part of the brain takes over while the most advanced human, analytical, decision-making part of the brain shuts down.

Out perspective is driven by fear, we don’t always think straight, nor do we accept advice from those who do.

Knowledge is power

The more educated you are, the less strange PTSD will seem.

Try to understand the impact of a triggering event, psychic reactions to trauma, warning signs and symptoms.

Allow yourself to positively and authentically support the recovery process.

PTSD hijacks our identity

We no longer see the World as We experienced it before trauma.

The biggest problem with PTSD is that it takes over our entire view of ourselves.

We can no longer see as clearly, as we once did.

We are left feeling frightened, helpless and powerless and now every moment is dangerous, unpredictable and threatening to us.

We cannot get over it

Getting over the past takes more than time and hope of relief.

Our changed bodies and brains will NOT let us forget.

Trauma doesn’t easily slip into the history of a life.

Surging chemicals and deregulated psychological processes reinforce every memory.

We cannot help our behavior

We experience biological/chemical changes and emotions that frighten and overwhelm us.

Since we operate on a sort of autopilot, we are not always in control.

PTSD is an exaggerated state of survival mode.

We act out accordingly in defense of the feelings and survival responses we cannot control.

Trauma changes us

After trauma we want to believe that life can return to the way it was, that we can continue as who we were.  Unfortunately, that’s not the way it works.

Trauma leaves a huge and incredible impact on the soul and can cause changes to the brain.

Enduring trauma often leads to a psychic shift that interferes with how we interact with ourselves, others and the WORLD.

We do NOT hate you

Since we cannot directly address our PTSD issues, sometimes it’s easier to address you.

Unfortunately, in the moment we may use your face as PTSD’s image.

Contrary to the ways we might behave when you intervene, somewhere inside we know you are not the source of the problem.

She never seemed shattered

shatteredYou know that quote, “The one with the biggest smile, has fought the toughest battle?”  That pretty much sums up my life.  Thank God I have a great smile, otherwise people might see the pain in my heart.  I’ve been told by so many people that they had no idea how shattered I truly was.  My response to them is, “that was the point.”  I’m a dancer, I learned to smile and suck it up a LONG time ago.  It’s not about being fake, it’s about being a survivor.  I smile because I choose to.  I can’t change what happened, I can only change how I react to it.  Peace, love and posivibes!

I’m at a place where peace is my priority

I’m at a place where peace is my priority and negativity cannot exist.  Not too long ago, my whole World was different.  You know that saying, “She never had a chance from the start”?  Yeah, WTF is that?  I don’t know how many times I’ve heard that when people were describing me.  I mean seriously, what is that?  They are pretty much labeling you as a P.O.S. from the get go, expecting nothing from you and have some sort of pity they feel toward you.  You try so hard not to get sucked in and become the very thing that you loath.  However, you wake one day to find you have dug yourself a grave, that you may not be capable of crawling out of.  I soon realized, I was not a priority: not even to myself.   Somehow, I became the epitome of what I was running from.  Was it everyone else that jinxed me?  Or was it me, constantly trying to be someone who I didn’t want to be?   Either way, here I am; doomed from the start.  Those of you who follow my blog, know some of the traumatic events that I’ve been through.  However, I’ve yet to touch on the some of the most horrific events in my life.  After talking to my counselor, I realized that I do need to talk about my childhood and my marriage to my ex-husband.  I know that whenever I do write about these events, some other people’s feelings will be hurt and I might offend people unintentionally.  However, it is my truth, it is what has happened to me and this is how I choose to heal.  Until then, I’m at a place where peace is my priority and negativity cannot exist.  Peace, love and posivibes…..MUAH!

Gotta love peace of mind

Peace of mind, is something I thought I would never have.  I have found so much peace the past few years, in more ways than one.  I’m grateful everyday of how far I’ve come and I look forward to the person I get to be tomorrow.  I know that without my diagnosis, I wouldn’t be where I am today.  I find tremendous peace in knowing there is a legit reason why I feel the way I do.  I’ve found it in my voice and no one can or will ever take that from me again.  I will scream from the rooftops everyday if it helps.  I’ve also found it in knowing if anything ever happened to me, someone would actually know where to look.  I’ve lived in fear of so many things for such a long time, you really don’t realize how much of yourself disappears; until you constantly live in fear.  Knowing that you did the best you could, with what you had.  Forgiving yourself for blaming yourself.  I still have important work to do, that is going to challenge my every fiber of my being.  However, I’m more confident than ever that the worst is behind me.  If I help just one person, all of it wasn’t for nothing.  I remember during the worst of it, everything seemed so hopeless.  I never thought after all of that pain, could create all of this peace.  Surviving builds something inside of you that you cannot lose and with that I will always have peace.  I’ve  been to war several times and each time I learn something about myself.  Now that I have answers, I can have the tools.  I will learn how to live with peace of mind, accept that it was not my fault, realize I had no choice and be a better person then I was yesterday.  Peace, love and posivibes!


Thanks for the heads up….

I got married not even a month after I turned 18.  I graduated High School early, soon became a wife and moved 1500 miles away from my friends and family.  Not long after that, did all the stories start to pore in.  It seems like everyone has a story to tell me about my Husband.   All of these stories were crazy and I thought to myself that they couldn’t possibly be true.  However it seemed like the more time that went by, more stories would come out.  I heard stories from some of my friends and people that didn’t even know me.  I just remember thinking, thanks for the heads up.  You know we’re already married right?  Little did I know, not even a year into my marriage some of these stories started to seem somewhat possible.  I very quickly realized that I had married a monster and so many people tried to warn me.  Why didn’t they tell me before I married him and why didn’t I believe them?  Thanks for the heads up!  I soon just became the next story in his life.  Anyone that ever knew him, knows a story about him.  NO, it’s not a good one either.  Why didn’t I listen, why didn’t I believe it?  He literally has everyone fooled and they are literally eating it up.  It’s funny how certain things that happen in a small Town can just disappear, thanks for the heads up.  I was blind, for now I see.  I will continue to speak out, because you’ve already killed me.  I know Karma will take care of things, I just hope I’m around to see it.  Peace, Love and Posivibes!thanks


I’m a dreamer, I always have been.  Not only do I dream very vividly at night, but my dreams are even bigger during the day.  I’ve always believed in myself and went for anything/everything I wanted.  However, there was a time in my life when everything changed.  I allowed someone else to take over me, degrade me, belittle me, abuse me emotionally, verbally and physically.  Anyone that really knows me, can’t really image this happening to me (including myself).  I often look back and wonder how I allowed this to happen.  It’s almost as if you become numb, everyday a piece of you dies and soon you don’t even know who you are.  I loved him with all of my heart, somehow he just plucked me up at the age of 17 and molded me into his idea of a perfect wife.  I honestly thought that it was my fault, as most abused Women do.  I didn’t tell ANYONE what was going on and We always lived at least 1500 miles away from our friends and family.  I wasn’t allowed to have friends and he always got pissed if I talked with my friends or family on the phone.  So, no one was around to know anything was even happening.  Of course, I didn’t tell anyone.  I was ashamed and I wanted everyone to continue to believe that we were the perfect couple, they thought we were.  I tried to change to be the perfect wife, but it didn’t matter.  Nothing was good enough and it finally got to the point were I honestly didn’t care if he killed me.  I can’t say how it happened, but one day I just woke up.  I realized it wasn’t me and I knew I had to get out and get out fast.  So, one day when he went to work, I did just that.  It took me years to find myself again, but I did.  My voice is back, my outspoken opinion is back and most importantly my dreams are back.  The only difference is I have HUGE dreams during the day and nightmares at night.  However, I’ve never been happier in my life and everyday my feet hit the floor, I’m that much closer to my dream.  I’m so grateful for the peace I’ve found in my diagnosis and I know now that anything is possible.  I AM ME AGAIN and no one will EVER take that away from me again.  I am a dreamer and I always will be.   Dream On!  Peace, Love and Posivibes!

Positive Mind + Positive Body + Positive Spirit = Positive Soul

If there’s one thing I have learned this past year, it is how to be positive.  Changing the way I look at absolutely everything and approaching everything with a sense of optimism.  I cannot tell you how drastically everything has changed around me for the better.  I think I felt before like there was absolutely no reason to be positive.  Looking back it really makes me sad to think that I really didn’t feel like I had anything to live for.  I was a very lost soul…..  I was never suicidal, but I definitely didn’t give a shit.  I felt as though I didn’t have anything to live for.  I had lost everything I had ever owned several times, my children were being kept from me and my life was very much a flight or fight daily war.  I was also at a place with my alcoholism where if I didn’t drink, then I would have to go through some pretty severe withdrawals.  I was able to kick meth cold turkey about 10 years ago without any help.  However, not getting the help I needed just lead to my drinking; to spiral out of control.  I was so riddled with anxiety 24/7 it was honestly the only thing that worked at the time.  Plus, I couldn’t have nightmares if I was black out drunk.  Nothing about my life was positive.  Now, I look forward to what each new day can bring and what I can achieve in the next 24 hours.  I absolutely owe that to being positive and changing everything in my life in a positive way.  I’m in such a great place now, a place that I never imagined possible.  A place were all my dreams are somehow achievable.  I wouldn’t change my journey for anything, however I would’ve chosen to live positively a LONG time ago.  Like always thanks for reading about me and this crazy thing we call life.  Peace, love and posivibes……MUAH!

Take a ride with me as I journal through my journey of self exploration. I will share weekly step by step diy projects, arts and crafts, fashion, music and disc golf shenanigans. Be prepared to take a first hand look into this crazy head of mine and be inspired to be your true authentic self.