She never seemed shattered

ShatteredYou know that quote, “The one with the biggest smile, has fought the toughest battle?”  That pretty much sums up my life.  Thank God I have a great smile, otherwise people might see the pain in my heart.  I’ve been told by so many people that they had no idea how shattered I truly was.  My response to them is, “that was the point.”  I’m a dancer, I learned to smile and suck it up a LONG time ago.  It’s not about being fake, it’s about being a survivor.  I smile because I choose to.  I can’t change what happened, I can only change how I react to it.  Peace, love and posivibes!

I’m at a place where peace is my priority

I’m at a place where peace is my priority and negativity cannot exist.  Not too long ago, my whole World was different.  You know that saying, “She never had a chance from the start”?  Yeah, WTF is that?  I don’t know how many times I’ve heard that when people were describing me.  I mean seriously, what is that?  They are pretty much labeling you as a P.O.S. from the get go, expecting nothing from you and have some sort of pity they feel toward you.  You try so hard not to get sucked in and become the very thing that you loath.  However, you wake one day to find you have dug yourself a grave, that you may not be capable of crawling out of.  I soon realized, I was not a priority: not even to myself.   Somehow, I became the epitome of what I was running from.  Was it everyone else that jinxed me?  Or was it me, constantly trying to be someone who I didn’t want to be?   Either way, here I am; doomed from the start.  Those of you who follow my blog, know some of the traumatic events that I’ve been through.  However, I’ve yet to touch on the some of the most horrific events in my life.  After talking to my counselor, I realized that I do need to talk about my childhood and my marriage to my ex-husband.  I know that whenever I do write about these events, some other people’s feelings will be hurt and I might offend people unintentionally.  However, it is my truth, it is what has happened to me and this is how I choose to heal.  Until then, I’m at a place where peace is my priority and negativity cannot exist.  Peace, love and posivibes…..MUAH!

Gotta love peace of mind

Peace of mind, is something I thought I would never have.  I have found so much peace the past few years, in more ways than one.  I’m grateful everyday of how far I’ve come and I look forward to the person I get to be tomorrow.  I know that without my diagnosis, I wouldn’t be where I am today.  I find tremendous peace in knowing there is a legit reason why I feel the way I do.  I’ve found it in my voice and no one can or will ever take that from me again.  I will scream from the rooftops everyday if it helps.  I’ve also found it in knowing if anything ever happened to me, someone would actually know where to look.  I’ve lived in fear of so many things for such a long time, you really don’t realize how much of yourself disappears; until you constantly live in fear.  Knowing that you did the best you could, with what you had.  Forgiving yourself for blaming yourself.  I still have important work to do, that is going to challenge my every fiber of my being.  However, I’m more confident than ever that the worst is behind me.  If I help just one person, all of it wasn’t for nothing.  I remember during the worst of it, everything seemed so hopeless.  I never thought after all of that pain, could create all of this peace.  Surviving builds something inside of you that you cannot lose and with that I will always have peace.  I’ve  been to war several times and each time I learn something about myself.  Now that I have answers, I can have the tools.  I will learn how to live with peace of mind, accept that it was not my fault, realize I had no choice and be a better person then I was yesterday.  Peace, love and posivibes!

 

Thanks for the heads up….

I got married not even a month after I turned 18.  I graduated High School early, soon became a wife and moved 1500 miles away from my friends and family.  Not long after that, did all the stories start to pore in.  It seems like everyone has a story to tell me about my Husband.   All of these stories were crazy and I thought to myself that they couldn’t possibly be true.  However it seemed like the more time that went by, more stories would come out.  I heard stories from some of my friends and people that didn’t even know me.  I just remember thinking, thanks for the heads up.  You know we’re already married right?  Little did I know, not even a year into my marriage some of these stories started to seem somewhat possible.  I very quickly realized that I had married a monster and so many people tried to warn me.  Why didn’t they tell me before I married him and why didn’t I believe them?  Thanks for the heads up!  I soon just became the next story in his life.  Anyone that ever knew him, knows a story about him.  NO, it’s not a good one either.  Why didn’t I listen, why didn’t I believe it?  He literally has everyone fooled and they are literally eating it up.  It’s funny how certain things that happen in a small Town can just disappear, thanks for the heads up.  I was blind, for now I see.  I will continue to speak out, because you’ve already killed me.  I know Karma will take care of things, I just hope I’m around to see it.  Peace, Love and Posivibes!thanks

Dreamer

I’m a dreamer, I always have been.  Not only do I dream very vividly at night, but my dreams are even bigger during the day.  I’ve always believed in myself and went for anything/everything I wanted.  However, there was a time in my life when everything changed.  I allowed someone else to take over me, degrade me, belittle me, abuse me emotionally, verbally and physically.  Anyone that really knows me, can’t really image this happening to me (including myself).  I often look back and wonder how I allowed this to happen.  It’s almost as if you become numb, everyday a piece of you dies and soon you don’t even know who you are.  I loved him with all of my heart, somehow he just plucked me up at the age of 17 and molded me into his idea of a perfect wife.  I honestly thought that it was my fault, as most abused Women do.  I didn’t tell ANYONE what was going on and We always lived at least 1500 miles away from our friends and family.  I wasn’t allowed to have friends and he always got pissed if I talked with my friends or family on the phone.  So, no one was around to know anything was even happening.  Of course, I didn’t tell anyone.  I was ashamed and I wanted everyone to continue to believe that we were the perfect couple, they thought we were.  I tried to change to be the perfect wife, but it didn’t matter.  Nothing was good enough and it finally got to the point were I honestly didn’t care if he killed me.  I can’t say how it happened, but one day I just woke up.  I realized it wasn’t me and I knew I had to get out and get out fast.  So, one day when he went to work, I did just that.  It took me years to find myself again, but I did.  My voice is back, my outspoken opinion is back and most importantly my dreams are back.  The only difference is I have HUGE dreams during the day and nightmares at night.  However, I’ve never been happier in my life and everyday my feet hit the floor, I’m that much closer to my dream.  I’m so grateful for the peace I’ve found in my diagnosis and I know now that anything is possible.  I AM ME AGAIN and no one will EVER take that away from me again.  I am a dreamer and I always will be.   Dream On!  Peace, Love and Posivibes!

Positive Mind + Positive Body + Positive Spirit = Positive Soul

If there’s one thing I have learned this past year, it is how to be positive.  Changing the way I look at absolutely everything and approaching everything with a sense of optimism.  I cannot tell you how drastically everything has changed around me for the better.  I think I felt before like there was absolutely no reason to be positive.  Looking back it really makes me sad to think that I really didn’t feel like I had anything to live for.  I was a very lost soul…..  I was never suicidal, but I definitely didn’t give a shit.  I felt as though I didn’t have anything to live for.  I had lost everything I had ever owned several times, my children were being kept from me and my life was very much a flight or fight daily war.  I was also at a place with my alcoholism where if I didn’t drink, then I would have to go through some pretty severe withdrawals.  I was able to kick meth cold turkey about 10 years ago without any help.  However, not getting the help I needed just lead to my drinking; to spiral out of control.  I was so riddled with anxiety 24/7 it was honestly the only thing that worked at the time.  Plus, I couldn’t have nightmares if I was black out drunk.  Nothing about my life was positive.  Now, I look forward to what each new day can bring and what I can achieve in the next 24 hours.  I absolutely owe that to being positive and changing everything in my life in a positive way.  I’m in such a great place now, a place that I never imagined possible.  A place were all my dreams are somehow achievable.  I wouldn’t change my journey for anything, however I would’ve chosen to live positively a LONG time ago.  Like always thanks for reading about me and this crazy thing we call life.  Peace, love and posivibes……MUAH!

Fighting for acceptance

This past year has been a reflection in so many ways.  Not only have I found myself in ways I never though possible.  But, I have learned that I have been constantly fighting for certain people’s acceptance.  This is sad, because the acceptance I am seeking is that of People that should already accept me, no matter what.  I have learned to let go of any ideas of some sort of “normal” relationships with these people.  These are some of the closest people to me, however they couldn’t be more distant.  As soon as I let go of the idea that I had to fight for acceptance, I was able to be at peace.   Continue reading Fighting for acceptance

Thrift Store Glass

So, one of the easiest things you can find at the thrift store is an assortment of glass.  I’ve been collecting a variety of different clear glass pieces for a while now.  Once you have collected a good number, than the fun part begins.  Just lay out the glass in whatever arrangement you think looks good.  I used E6000 to glue different pieces together, until I got the look I was going for.  I’m creating a centerpiece using the glass I found at the thrift store and some misc items I already had.2016-05-29_21.21.23  Fun part about making this centerpiece is that each piece I made, can be turned over and used the other way.  Ultimately creating several different centerpieces……  My OCD did get the best of me a couple of times during this project.  It doesn’t have to be perfect and it can be completely personalized to your liking.  I didn’t spend more than $1.50 for any of these pieces of glass and the other stuff I already had.  I made these 2 different centerpieces for less than $10.00 total.  The different centerpieces you can create, is completely up to your imagination.

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Thanks for checking it out.  Peace, love and Posivibes!

A little hiatus

I’ve been on a little hiatus, so I apologize for not writing in a bit.  Thank you for all the warm wishes, messages and undying support.  I apologize for stepping away for a bit, this is by far my busiest time of year.  Between peak flea market season, school wrapping up and the weather starting to get hot………..I’m trying to get as much done in my shop as possible.  I do have to say that yall have been so great through my little hiatus.  Sending me messages, commenting on my posts and supporting me in all of my endeavours; has really meant the World to me.  I have so many exciting things going on, I cannot wait to share.  I will say that during my hiatus, I have found a new appreciation for patience.  I myself have really never had any.  But, taking this time away has really taught that……..the best things really do come to those that wait.  I have been writing a lot in my journal and plan on transferring a lot of my thoughts for yall to read.  I can’t wait to show you what I have been working on.  Thanks again for your patience……….Peace, love and posivibes!

Last Weeks Finds

I’ve been meaning to post last weeks finds, for sometime now.  I did find some great things and I’m pretty excited to share.  I’ve been looking for a new comforter set, as I usually do come spring/summer.  I’m really into the Bohemian theme right now.  I needed a comforter with purple, light blue and lime green.  I have been on the hunt, let me tell you.  Finally at Bed Bath & Beyond, I found the perfect one.  It was not only marked down on clearance, but was marked an extra 50% due to human error.  Which the store had to honor, so I kinda feel like I robbed the store.  I got a $190 comforter for $60, I absolutely call that a great find!

I just so happen to find these really cool hanging lanterns at Ross for $6 and $8.  I love the way they light up my room at night.  It totally adds to the whole Bohemian vibe as well.

I had some pretty good luck last week with Garage Sale finds as well.  First off, I’ll talk about this Amazing Balinese door.  It is a beautiful dark green olive color, which is the main color in my formal living room.  It has great detail and I knew I had to have it.  It was marked at $35, but I talked her down to $25 (cause that’s just what I do)!

I also scored this really cool wooden 3 tier serving tray, hand carved in the Philipines for $2.  It is super cool and unique.  The top is a pineapple with little wooden serving spoons.

Certainly, last but not least…..this creepy clown I found at the Thrift Store for $7.  I have to say, this is one of those finds you just have to jump on.  It’s completely made of wood, hand carved and hand painted.  There is a coin slot in the back and all of the limbs move.  The only info I could find is that it was made in the 50’s and is somewhat rate.  I found only one that was in worse shape and defective.  It is currently selling on Etsy for $65.  I am waiting to get it appraised, but I think it will be worth $100 easy.  I have to admit though, this clown is definitely creepy and is currently being held hostage in my craft room…..LOL.  Seriously!  However, I could tell immediately that it was so different and unique; it had to be worth something.

Thanks for taking a look at last weeks finds.  I will keep you updated on the creepy clown.  Peace, love and posivibes!

Take a ride with me as I journal through my journey of self exploration. I will share weekly step by step diy projects, arts and crafts, fashion, music and disc golf shenanigans. Be prepared to take a first hand look into this crazy head of mine and be inspired to be your true authentic self.